I literally did this to myself. I was gonna change when I got to college. I was just gonna do school work and make some friends on the way. Guys liked me, hell even some girl asked if I was lesbian to get with her. Even though I’ve tried so hard to keep people in that friendzone I caved in to my now ex. He was the only relationship I consider as real. It was great while it lasted. I was ready to do anything for him. Hell I wouldn’t have even minded marrying the guy. I was ready to change for the better. Learn to cook, cleaning, etc. Even when he got busy, sure it was rough to not see him a couple days but after awhile I was fine with seeing him once or twice a week. We were both busy, I had a full-time job by that time. He had work, school, and of course… going to the gym but also to be with his family. I was never that close with my family but family is all you really got if you’re friends ditch you. He told me that he didn’t want his family to think that he’s changed as soon as he got a new girlfriend. I tried to understand, I wasn’t with him to change him. There was nothing wrong with him besides that fact that he smoked but he never really did it in front of me unless he really needed one and of course he asked before he did. I think back now and I always have this repeated in my head, that even though he was the one that came at me, asked me out, made the effort to keep trying to be with me, I was the one that needed him, he didn’t need me. The break up was the worst part. Especially to find out over the phone which he didn’t mean to. I was feeling extremely lonely one night, and I never texted him anymore because I would always catch him at busy times and I didn’t want to feel like I was annoying/bothering him. I told him to call me as soon as he got out of the gym and so I told him, I miss how things use to be, when we talked, before we started dating. And so he broke the news to me… He didn’t plan on doing it anytime soon but he wanted to break up… but around spring break.. are you kidding me? He was thinking about it, for a week since that day I had him call me. He said that sometimes he has to force himself to make time for me. Sometimes he FORGETS he has a girlfriend. It crushed me. What happened to when he use to TRY to be with me? At the time spring break wasn’t gonna be for another few more weeks. For the past 2-3 months I couldn’t stop thinking about him, I kept talking about him and I would get all these different feedback from people. I was depressed and didn’t feel like trying anymore. What was I going to school for? To better my education? I don’t even know if what I’m going to school is what I really want to do as a career. I started putting assignments to the side. I was falling behind and now I pay the price of it. I let him get to me and after hanging out with him again (only as friends) he has made it very clearly that we are NEVER getting back together. He still loved me when we broke up but by distracting himself with his “hobby” and whatever else that goes on in his life, he just simply forgot about his feelings for me. So was his feelings ever really true? Even though, shopping shouldn’t have made me slightly better, it has but in the end I’m here. My mood has gone from being amazingly happy that the semester is over to I can’t do all these assignments last minute and I’m just gonna fail and I’m gonna lose my financial aid. This whole freshmen year was gone to shit because I let him get to me. All I can do is blame myself but really I wish every night I can just yell at him about all the things that have happened to me because of him. But I know in the end the only thing he will say is “I’m sorry” and nothing else will be done. Does he even mean it? Honestly I can’t really say for sure but from his actions all he really cares about is himself. Like everyone else, looking out for themselves. That guy I wished would help me through this difficult course, left me standing during the middle of it and let me crash and burn. What happened to him? Does he even care anymore? Would it really matter if we became friends? Or does he really not care whether I’m in his life anymore? I can’t see myself being with anyone for the next few years. It’ll just be like before where I didn’t give a fuck if someone had feelings for me, and if they asked if I liked them back, my reply would simply be “I don’t know”. Even now I still dream about all the things we used to do. All the times where I was actually happy. I wish that when we were together could’ve gone to Six Flags just for the thrill of the roller coasters, together watching fireworks, and at least spent our birthdays together since they’re a week apart. But sadly that probably won’t happen this year, nor do I think his feelings for me will ever come back to him the years to come. Honestly, sometimes I wish he actually tried harder like everyone else to be with me. You “mentally can’t handle the relationship”? Well now I mentally can’t handle being alone, living a life so empty, with no one I can feel comfortable with talking to about everything that’s happened these past couple years… or just my entire life. And yet I’m stupid enough to wait up for him. Sometimes I even dream that someday he’s gonna come and pick me up, asking me to be with him again for one last time. For a second chance. This last chance.